The decision to stay in or leave medicine is so deep, confusing and complicated. Your words connect to so much of my own experience. I'm reminded, took of the words of John O'Donahue "may you have. The courage to listen to the voice of desire, that disturbs you when you have settled for something safe."
Oh man, yes, I've been wrangling it for the past 3ish years, in earnest for the past 9-12 months. I love John O'Donohue and that quote suits me perfectly. Right now, I've transitioned to moonlighting to relieve my money anxiety and I'm starting a business.
Wonderful! I had a delightful time there on my one trip :) We were just passing through that way last week when my daughters and I met my sisters in Lake Geneva for a vacation.
PS Martha Beck has been a guiding voice for me during the past several years. I also worked with a coach/therapist for about 6 months as I got geared up to leave my full time OT job. I had realized that I am a “highly sensitive person,” and this was one of the reasons I was so exhausted and frustrated in my mode of working. She works specifically with HSP’s and it was very helpful to incorporate that aspect into my identity, allowed me to give myself a little bit of grace.
Hi Amy! I’m also not into the “midlife crisis” term. While I don’t need it softened to the degree of “portal,” I do prefer to think of myself as having more agency than something happening to me or walking through another doorway. I have been in this period since March 2020- it happened to line up with the just about 10 year mark in my career. I’m far from an ER doc, but I felt overwhelmed and exhausted for my own reasons. Also, frankly, bored. Frustrated. Feeling like I had bigger/different thoughts to think and like there was no place to put them in that role I had. I have been in the process of leaving for 4 years, and it’s not over. It has been in stages. Even though it’s gradual, the initial step was terrifying, and just 2 weeks ago I cried recalling how much shame and guilt I had (have?) about leaving. (BTW that was at my first ever astrological chart reading with a painter/astrologist I met; it was enlightening and was reassuring to me in terms of my path.) The alternative to this midlife transition period is to not evolve. To stay the course you set for yourself as a young adult, and just dig in. I suppose for a certain group of people this makes sense/still feels right. But I think for most of us it does not. But also, many people choose the known over the unknown of change. Ironically, nobody is avoiding change. You either open your arms and get used to feeling the bottom drop out, or you don’t. But we’re all going through it one way or another. Thanks for the book recs! BTW look up Dawn Breeze on Substack- you’d prob like her writing and thoughts and she had a cool goal setting exercise for the new year that is done by painting with watercolors. - Julie
Oops that cut off before I meant it to. I think it's true that many people choose to be certain and miserable over uncertain. I have done that myself a few times. I'll check out Dawn's stuff. I have been having a ton of fun painting.
I think there is absolutely agency in the process. In fact, I think many people never make the leap from the concerns of the first half of life to realizing there is different soul work in the second, or don'thave the privilege to change how they interactin the world if they want to continuetohave a roof overtheir head.
But I think there is something special about the tasks of life in the early 40s and some sort of strengthening of a call from your soul to "let me out" or some call from the divine to "hear the call" that is just much louder than at any other point of life I have walked thus far. And I think we're led to believe in our cukture that everything in life should comfortable, easy, fun. This is not that. It's like birthing or being born, intense, contortions, compression and expansion.
We as doctors have some sort of code of thinking we are harder working, smarter, and more put upon than everyone else, but that's not true. Especially in early 2020, everyone had different and big stressors. I did not have to try to homeschool my kids for example. No other family members were at high risk of being exposed or high risk of a bad outcome. Or the social aspect. We have a bit of land so we could be outdoors a lot and a lot less socially isolated because of that.
I'm currently in what I call the Twilight Zone. 2023 was a Tower Card of a year for me. I saw much of it coming and decided rather than fight like hell, overwork through it or being enraged by it (my comfortable go-tos), I'd consciously observe. Do what I could but mostly, let it unfurl. Listen for the signs. Let things play out a bit. Process my regrets and accept there are no villains or heroes. Understand that a lot of what looks good can still feel bad. And see what showed up as the tower burned down.
Right now I have more good options than the single clear winning direction that I'd love someone to drop on my doorstep. But for now, I'm ok with that. We're a nation of anxious control freaks. It doesn't seem to be making anyone happy.
People say older women become invisible, I don't buy that. I think it's that we care a lot less about who's looking.
I don't know much about tarot yet. Can you tell me more about the tower card? And what has shown up as the tower burned down? Letting go of that clear path forward is one of the biggest challenges I have right now. I am torn between the excitement of letting the world come to be and the feeling of insecurity that comes if you don't know how the bills will be paid (now, this is despite working for years as a doctor, with a decent about of savings, so yes, anxious control freak resonates at least in the financial realm) I think this is where I am finding my return to religion most helpful now is that I can hand the things I can't control to someone else.
Regarding older women being invisible, I think it's kind of a both and, after menopause women feel compelled to speak their minds and hearts without caring what others think. Others find the truths spoken dangerous to the status quo and so try to diminish those women so others won't act on it.
I spent the last 4 years as a co-founder of a perimenopause and midlife startup so I have a lot of strong opinions on those subjects, i'll just let them sit.
More to the point: Tower Card is the end of things: things falling down, burning down, irrevocably ending in unavoidable ways. I had to consciously say to myself: Don't rush. You don't really know the terrain yet. To keep the metaphor going, wait til the smoke clears so you can really get a sense of things. Really hard to do that for me, but I'm finding my initial thoughts and impulses lost their appeal after they sat for a bit. If I'd put too much energy into them, I'd be running down paths I actually don't want because they sounded good or seemed rational. But then, "Do i really want that?" "Do I trust this person?" "Will it take too long?" "Will it make me happy?""What is working and what isn't?" "Who do I want to be now?" "How does this change things?" All good questions and ones I once did not trust the universe or myself enough to ask and let the real answers come. I'm quite woo-woo but I also believe we obliterate our own inner knowledge by not trusting our gut and either taking too much advice or trying to overthink. The gut needs quiet to be heard. It's smart! Good luck and take long walks without listening to anything, the clarity will show up.
Ooh, I can definitely relate to rushing down paths that sound good or seem rational. A couple of things I am really trying to work on right now are making decisions from my gut, being patient and letting things come to me, and letting go of this self-imposed need to be consistent. And incorporating more long walks sounds like a great plan.
I wish you all the very best. Change can be scary and hard to maintain. I thought I had broken out of clinical practice, but covid took away the other things I was doing for long enough that I got pulled back in again. Change will come round again, though.
I love the CT watercolours, they're like mandalas 🙂
Thanks. I infer from what you wrote that you were pulled back in in a good way? My COVID experience was primarily next level overwhelm, in fact, just recently I've been realizing how not over it I am. I am open to a break being enough to give me that spark for clinical medicine again and I will be somewhat surprised if that is what comes to pass. I'm excited about the CTs, eventually I hope I can make one for each slice. I'm also thinking about chest and abdominal CTs too because I'm nerdy like that 😁
The decision to stay in or leave medicine is so deep, confusing and complicated. Your words connect to so much of my own experience. I'm reminded, took of the words of John O'Donahue "may you have. The courage to listen to the voice of desire, that disturbs you when you have settled for something safe."
Oh man, yes, I've been wrangling it for the past 3ish years, in earnest for the past 9-12 months. I love John O'Donohue and that quote suits me perfectly. Right now, I've transitioned to moonlighting to relieve my money anxiety and I'm starting a business.
Also I think we both live in WI? - sorry for being a googler :)
Yes! I live near Hudson, how about you?
Madison
Wonderful! I had a delightful time there on my one trip :) We were just passing through that way last week when my daughters and I met my sisters in Lake Geneva for a vacation.
PS Martha Beck has been a guiding voice for me during the past several years. I also worked with a coach/therapist for about 6 months as I got geared up to leave my full time OT job. I had realized that I am a “highly sensitive person,” and this was one of the reasons I was so exhausted and frustrated in my mode of working. She works specifically with HSP’s and it was very helpful to incorporate that aspect into my identity, allowed me to give myself a little bit of grace.
Cool, just put a hold on her audiobook of Finding Your Way... at the library.
Divergent is another good book about living as HSP or other neurodivergent diagnosis
Very cool, just put a hold on it at the library. I'd be interested to learn more about your Inner Compass program too.
I'd be happy to chat about it! You can email me sarahwebbercoaching@gmail.com if you want to connect
Hi Amy! I’m also not into the “midlife crisis” term. While I don’t need it softened to the degree of “portal,” I do prefer to think of myself as having more agency than something happening to me or walking through another doorway. I have been in this period since March 2020- it happened to line up with the just about 10 year mark in my career. I’m far from an ER doc, but I felt overwhelmed and exhausted for my own reasons. Also, frankly, bored. Frustrated. Feeling like I had bigger/different thoughts to think and like there was no place to put them in that role I had. I have been in the process of leaving for 4 years, and it’s not over. It has been in stages. Even though it’s gradual, the initial step was terrifying, and just 2 weeks ago I cried recalling how much shame and guilt I had (have?) about leaving. (BTW that was at my first ever astrological chart reading with a painter/astrologist I met; it was enlightening and was reassuring to me in terms of my path.) The alternative to this midlife transition period is to not evolve. To stay the course you set for yourself as a young adult, and just dig in. I suppose for a certain group of people this makes sense/still feels right. But I think for most of us it does not. But also, many people choose the known over the unknown of change. Ironically, nobody is avoiding change. You either open your arms and get used to feeling the bottom drop out, or you don’t. But we’re all going through it one way or another. Thanks for the book recs! BTW look up Dawn Breeze on Substack- you’d prob like her writing and thoughts and she had a cool goal setting exercise for the new year that is done by painting with watercolors. - Julie
Oops that cut off before I meant it to. I think it's true that many people choose to be certain and miserable over uncertain. I have done that myself a few times. I'll check out Dawn's stuff. I have been having a ton of fun painting.
I think there is absolutely agency in the process. In fact, I think many people never make the leap from the concerns of the first half of life to realizing there is different soul work in the second, or don'thave the privilege to change how they interactin the world if they want to continuetohave a roof overtheir head.
But I think there is something special about the tasks of life in the early 40s and some sort of strengthening of a call from your soul to "let me out" or some call from the divine to "hear the call" that is just much louder than at any other point of life I have walked thus far. And I think we're led to believe in our cukture that everything in life should comfortable, easy, fun. This is not that. It's like birthing or being born, intense, contortions, compression and expansion.
We as doctors have some sort of code of thinking we are harder working, smarter, and more put upon than everyone else, but that's not true. Especially in early 2020, everyone had different and big stressors. I did not have to try to homeschool my kids for example. No other family members were at high risk of being exposed or high risk of a bad outcome. Or the social aspect. We have a bit of land so we could be outdoors a lot and a lot less socially isolated because of that.
I'm currently in what I call the Twilight Zone. 2023 was a Tower Card of a year for me. I saw much of it coming and decided rather than fight like hell, overwork through it or being enraged by it (my comfortable go-tos), I'd consciously observe. Do what I could but mostly, let it unfurl. Listen for the signs. Let things play out a bit. Process my regrets and accept there are no villains or heroes. Understand that a lot of what looks good can still feel bad. And see what showed up as the tower burned down.
Right now I have more good options than the single clear winning direction that I'd love someone to drop on my doorstep. But for now, I'm ok with that. We're a nation of anxious control freaks. It doesn't seem to be making anyone happy.
People say older women become invisible, I don't buy that. I think it's that we care a lot less about who's looking.
I don't know much about tarot yet. Can you tell me more about the tower card? And what has shown up as the tower burned down? Letting go of that clear path forward is one of the biggest challenges I have right now. I am torn between the excitement of letting the world come to be and the feeling of insecurity that comes if you don't know how the bills will be paid (now, this is despite working for years as a doctor, with a decent about of savings, so yes, anxious control freak resonates at least in the financial realm) I think this is where I am finding my return to religion most helpful now is that I can hand the things I can't control to someone else.
Regarding older women being invisible, I think it's kind of a both and, after menopause women feel compelled to speak their minds and hearts without caring what others think. Others find the truths spoken dangerous to the status quo and so try to diminish those women so others won't act on it.
I spent the last 4 years as a co-founder of a perimenopause and midlife startup so I have a lot of strong opinions on those subjects, i'll just let them sit.
More to the point: Tower Card is the end of things: things falling down, burning down, irrevocably ending in unavoidable ways. I had to consciously say to myself: Don't rush. You don't really know the terrain yet. To keep the metaphor going, wait til the smoke clears so you can really get a sense of things. Really hard to do that for me, but I'm finding my initial thoughts and impulses lost their appeal after they sat for a bit. If I'd put too much energy into them, I'd be running down paths I actually don't want because they sounded good or seemed rational. But then, "Do i really want that?" "Do I trust this person?" "Will it take too long?" "Will it make me happy?""What is working and what isn't?" "Who do I want to be now?" "How does this change things?" All good questions and ones I once did not trust the universe or myself enough to ask and let the real answers come. I'm quite woo-woo but I also believe we obliterate our own inner knowledge by not trusting our gut and either taking too much advice or trying to overthink. The gut needs quiet to be heard. It's smart! Good luck and take long walks without listening to anything, the clarity will show up.
Ooh, I can definitely relate to rushing down paths that sound good or seem rational. A couple of things I am really trying to work on right now are making decisions from my gut, being patient and letting things come to me, and letting go of this self-imposed need to be consistent. And incorporating more long walks sounds like a great plan.
https://open.substack.com/pub/dawnbreeze/p/alma-mater?r=ci228&utm_medium=ios&utm_campaign=post
I wish you all the very best. Change can be scary and hard to maintain. I thought I had broken out of clinical practice, but covid took away the other things I was doing for long enough that I got pulled back in again. Change will come round again, though.
I love the CT watercolours, they're like mandalas 🙂
Thanks. I infer from what you wrote that you were pulled back in in a good way? My COVID experience was primarily next level overwhelm, in fact, just recently I've been realizing how not over it I am. I am open to a break being enough to give me that spark for clinical medicine again and I will be somewhat surprised if that is what comes to pass. I'm excited about the CTs, eventually I hope I can make one for each slice. I'm also thinking about chest and abdominal CTs too because I'm nerdy like that 😁