Walsh is Heading to Wales

Why I'm going on a vision fast

I am heading to Wales in a couple of weeks for a vision fast. As you may guess from my last name, I have an ancient ancestral connection to that land (though as far as I know, my ancestors last set foot in Wales around the time the Normans were invading Ireland, which was roughly late 12^th, early 13^th century). One of my spiritual practices involves a guided meditation to connect to my ancestors, and they suggested taking the time to write this to get really clear on why I am doing this. I’m also eager to share to, hopefully, get all of you pulling for me too. 

What is a Vision Fast? 

A vision fast is a ceremonial time (usually 3 to 4 days) spent alone in nature, without food and sometimes without water. In my fast, we’ll have several days to prepare, as well as several days to celebrate and share our experiences. Many people think of vision fasts as an indigenous American tradition. It’s true that they have been the ones who have continued this tradition into the modern day, where some European Americans have recognized the value of this practice that hadn't been a standard part of our culture for centuries.  Traditionally, many different cultures have practiced this ritual, including the Lakota, Cherokee, and Navajo in North America, the Inca in South America, the San in Africa, and ancient Greek, Roman, and Celtic cultures in Europe.  

Historically, vision fasts were typically done to mark the transition from youth to adulthood. However, it can be used to mark many transitions in life. The purpose is to give you time alone, with the guidance of the earth, to connect to your soul, and to tune into your unique purpose in the world. In these rituals, it’ is important to be witnessed by your community so they can:

• See the transformation that takes place 

• Acknowledge the trials that brought you to the fast 

• Celebrate how the trials of the fast have changed you and the lessons and new role you can bring back to the community

This is another reason I would like to share about my plans—and eventually what happened— with you. 

Why Do You Want to Do a Vision Fast? 

A few people have expressed confusion about my desire to do this. I have learned that fasting, being exposed to the elements, and sitting alone with your thoughts are not appealing to many people. Like many spiritual experiences, I have had difficulty putting it into words when I’ve been asked, so I thought it would be worthwhile to sit down, write and explore this for myself. Perhaps it will help you understand as well—and maybe spark some other reflections within you.

My top six “whys”... 

1. A desire to be witnessed through a major passage. The changes to my goals, desires, identity and spirit due to early motherhood and the pandemic felt profound, yet hard to articulate. I feel the turbulence of these experiences coming to an end as my girls are 7 ½  and 4. I finally feel like I have settled into my identity as a mother. COVID-19 feels like it has gotten to the point of being one of the many respiratory illnesses we deal with in medicine and the larger social and cultural experiences of lockdowns, mask mandates, school closures, work from home, and the like are long gone. I want to recognize what needs to be set aside during these voyages and the new wisdom, new desires, and new direction to come. It’s my hope that this fast will help me become clear on the shape my new direction should take and how it can both set my soul afire and serve the earth. 

2. A desire to complete the transition from adolescence to adulthood. Wait, you are 41 years old. Didn’t that happen automatically? In a way, yes. I have gotten married. I’m raising kids. I’ve achieved a reasonable amount of professional success and bought a house…. On the other hand, I, like many of us, still operate from a place where my sense of success and self-worth is often sourced from outside myself. Sarah Durham Wilson refers to this as the transition from maiden to mother. Maiden is that time of adolescence and young womanhood where, if you’re healthy, you are bold, daring, adventurous, joyful, exploring, and ready for life’s adventure. But for many of us who are raised in a culture that doesn’t value femininity and womanhood, we find ourselves stuck in insecurity, using busy-ness to avoid being fully present. People pleasing, being inauthentic, having an urge to consume, waiting to be saved, stuck in perfectionism, asking others for permission, and feeling like not enough are common experiences. I feel like I have been stuck wanting to be the “good girl” rather than actually being myself for so long that sometimes I don’t even know who authentic Amy would be.  I hope this time in seclusion may clarify that. Going from maiden to healthy mother results in feeling secure, responsive, present, responsible, self-accepting, and worthy of receiving help. In connecting to my own desire, I hope to step into my power, sensuality, authority, fertility, generativity, and wisdom. 

3. A desire to learn what I’m willing to die for.: Many women are taught from a young age to “want to be wanted” both in a way of being the “good girl” who pleases parents and teachers, and within marriages and adult relationships. That leaves us really disconnected from a question as simple as, “What do you want?” Without knowing the answer to that question, it can be really hard to prioritize. I know I would risk myself for my kids. At the same time, I’m aware  there are plenty of other things that are other risks worth taking that I couldn’t confidently step toward because I didn’t understand what was mine to do and what was worth the risk. 

4. A desire to connect to a vital ritual. I believe that a vision fast is something my ancestors would have participated in and I have a distinct desire to connect to my ancestral lands. 

5. A desire to be useful. According to Bill Plotkin, a psychologist who has spent his career exploring and guiding initiatory journeys, in youth, we are caterpillars, consuming voraciously in service to ourselves. If we never transition to adulthood at the emotional, psychological, and spiritual levels, then we never pollinate our flowers so to speak. If we don’t transform, we can't fully provide the service we were uniquely designed to perform. 

6. A desire to discover my unique ecological niche. Throughout my life, I have had a sense that I am meant for something, that we are all meant for something, and that our creation was no accident. I’ve always had trouble putting a finger on what mine is. I thought that if I chose a career that society deems meaningful—medicine, particularly global medicine—then I would have ready-made meaning and purpose. Instead, I climbed the ladder to success only to find that I had put the ladder on the wrong wall. Unsurprisingly, I can’t use what other people find meaningful or virtuous to find what lights my soul on fire and serves the world at the same time. I have avoided this hard work by jumping from accomplishment to accomplishment, thinking that once I reached my destination it would all make sense. When I got to my destination professionally, my first thought after completing training was, “Is this all there is?” I hope 3 days without distraction while being rooted into mother earth will illuminate what is uniquely mine to do. I aim to find  out not only how to light my soul afire, but also to get clear on what is not mine to do, so I can stop feeling like I need to hold up the sky. 

Of course, some or all of these things may not happen. Admittedly, that would be disappointing, but I find that this is a risk worth taking for what might be gained. 

I was discussing this trip with a colleague recently. He interrupted me as I was trying to explain why I wanted to do this, and said, “Oh yeah, it’s going to be cool to be able to say you did it.” I recoiled from that. It definitely does not feel that way to me. 

At this point, I don’t feel the need to prove my ability to endure difficult tasks to anyone, myself included. I have proven my discipline to myself. This experience provides a strange dichotomy in that I want to be witnessed for the transformation that’s taking place, but feel very shy about the process itself. I think this is because it’s something that I am doing for me—and only me. I fear the dismissal and judgment that comes with doing things that are “woo woo,” or somehow unserious.,  I suppose that’s part of the process too; sitting with the discomfort related to making a decision that feels right, important, and necessary for me and knowing that the people who care will try to understand. Some people won’t, and that’s okay too.